Humour for gr8 minds

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... "
Sir Norman Wisdom

"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money."
Edgar Watson Howe

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! "
Doug Larson

"A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! "
Eric Bolton

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
Erno Philips

"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'."
Robert Paul

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
Victor Borge

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
W.C. Fields

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
Will Rogers

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. "
Mickey Rooney

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."
Tim Allen

"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks."
Rita Rudner

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
Erica Jong

"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. "
Elbert Hubbard

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. "
Wendell Johnson

"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
Joey Adams

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
Henry Youngman

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?"
Benny Hill

"Reach for the stars - You might not always get a star, but at least you won't end up with a handful of dirt "
Leo Burnett

Best of Dilbert Out-Of-Office Messages :-)

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get
the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that
I may be promoted to management

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me
any messages.

10: I've run away to join a different circus.

11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

Luck is very often a self-realization..

Why do some people get all the luck while others never get the breaks
they deserve?

According to a note by a psychologist.....

People have almost no insight into the causes of their luck, their thoughts and behaviors are responsible for much of their good and bad fortune. Lucky people consistently encounter such opportunities, whereas unlucky people do
not. Unlucky people are generally more tense than lucky people and this
anxiety disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected. As a result,
they miss opportunities because they are too focused on looking for
something else.

They go to parties intent on finding their perfect partner and so miss opportunities to make good friends.

They look through newspapers determined to find certain types of Job advertisements and miss other types of jobs.

Lucky people are more relaxed and open, and therefore see what is there rather than just what they are looking for.

They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

Four tips for becoming lucky:

Listen to your gut instincts - they are normally right

Be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine

Spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well

Visualize yourself being lucky before an important meeting or
telephone.

Want Happiness - Picture explains it all ;-)

Life: TRUST

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my Husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".

Life: NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than
you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

Life: CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my
leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband ,because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

Life: BE PATIENT

A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed
suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Life: PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home,a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman."
The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

Life: RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other,we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me.Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

Life: NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another,or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

Pecans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!

Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard,
"One for you, one for me.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Ultimate Laws :-)

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss a flat tire made you late for work, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule:
At any event, people with seats furthest from the aisle, arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that lasts until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Location:
Wherever you go, There you are!

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product you really like, they will stop making it.

Appraisal Shock..... On a dark and foggy night

I got the below mail on someone taking part in a contest to write a fictional story which would start with the line "On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the railway station"

This should be a award winning story !!!!!

Here goes the story....

On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the railway station. At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around. With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it. There was blood all over the body which was lying face down. It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age. Amidst the gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it. With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer. I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colours. Thunders broke into my ears and lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!! My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"... As a fellow worker in the same industry , I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand. I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary.

While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter... hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials. This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second. The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name.... it was me who was dead there!!!!!!!! While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind......... splash!!! Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man. Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready

Coutesy: A Software Engineer

Self Appraisal....short and meaningful story

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it
over to the telephone.

He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone
and proceeded to punch in seven digits.

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your
lawn now." replied boy.

The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was
presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance and offered,"Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn
in all of North Palm beach,Florida."

Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the
little boy replaced the receiver.

The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and
said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would
like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied,"No thanks, I was just checking my performance and
the job I already have.I am the one who is working for that lady, I was
talking to !"

Solid Developer - with an attitude

When I was a developer :)